the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
