I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
