his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
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Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
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I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.