Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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