I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
