My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
