I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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