My liver just broke up with me...
I cut my penus on the lid.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
