I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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