He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
