No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
