Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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