when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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