my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
