My friends, they love my intelligence
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
