eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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