so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
he fucked my hip out of place.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
