In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
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Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
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After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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