Joe is yelling at the trees again.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
We're too hungover to prance.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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