Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
