You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Randomize
