my shit smells like andre
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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