Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
