eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
