I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
