Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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