Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
