i only shaved half my leg
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.