So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize