My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
