I just saw a hot homeless man
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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