We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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