Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
