so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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