he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
