LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
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I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
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There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.