I think i peed on brittanys purse
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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