i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Randomize
