i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
