I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I forgot wine drunk hurts
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
