I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
