bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
