and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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