It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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