So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
