I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
