I'm so fucking centered right now
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
