I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
