Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
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I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
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She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
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