remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Randomize
