I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
