Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
