dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
