She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
We're too hungover to prance.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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